I KNOW NOW
I’ve been learning all my life. I just didn’t always recognize it as learning. But after Tim was out of my life and my self-esteem went out with him, I promised myself that I would do better. I know now that losing someone so close made me look at my own life differently. I became more aware of how often I took people for granted, how quickly I judged, and how little I really knew about what someone else may be going through. I wanted to be more patient, more understanding, and more deliberate about treating people with dignity and respect. But, is it grief that is making me say all that shit?. Or are these really my own intentions?
Guilt and anger have been two of the strongest emotions during the grieving process, and honestly, I am tired, oh so tired and afraid. But even that has become part of the lesson. Some things I learn because someone teaches them to me. Other things I learn because I experience them. However, when life stops giving me a choice, there is no lesson to study and no right answer to follow. I just have to find my way through it and figure things out for myself to survive. And that still is, the loneliest place to be.